Sowing Good Seeds

Dearest Genevieve,

Remember early on in my treatment when I told you I wanted to work toward ego-death ultimately to become loving awareness?! (I do, because it was easily the bravest thing I’d ever wished for myself outside my head). I remember bracing myself for any sign of doubt from you—my worry monster desperate to verify my fear that I was so broken that it was crazy for me to even think I’d ever live long enough to get there. But nope. Never. Not you. You let me know you were 100% down for all of it and happy to be along for the ride. I do know for a fact that I will, indeed, NEVER live long enough to fully express my gratitude to you for that moment of solidarity. It was life-giving.

And I did it.

I’m devouring every precious moment as it happens in real-time, determined to live a big, fat, juicy life. I’m meeting each moment (and myself) with grace: fully tapped into the collective consciousness and operating from the soul-level. It’s legit the best goal I’ve ever set for myself. And, as you dang well know, it only happened when I realized it was me who I needed so desperately my whole life.

This past week, I made an offer to purchase a business. All on my own. No Drew. No Sep. No Brandi. Just me. Best part: it wasn’t even listed for sale! I just asked. Read: I used my voice to say what I wanted. We BOTH knew this light was too bright to keep at home, yo! Plus, now that I’m a master co-regulator (my favorite of all my superpowers), I know I can parent the heck out of these kids (at the top of my license like I did when I practiced) and still be the change I want to see in the world. No more black or white thinking for this chick—I’m embracing the grey with reckless abandon. Besides, I followed the rule: I started at home and loved myself and my family. It’s my turn now.

The business in question would be a low-stress way to spread love and light on the daily. On a grander level of manifestation, it will be a springboard for community development leading to opportunities for people to be gainfully employed, empowered, and actively loved. The latter is a reference to Drew’s exasperation with the fuckery being dished out by Genesis back when I worked at Ridgewood. He always said he had never seen a company actively hate their employees to the level that Genesis hated us.

And it wasn’t just Genesis—it was EVERY rehab company that ever employed me and my friends (Brandi). Hell, Concept Rehab took away benefits from me in the time that elapsed between my initial offer and my first day on the job. Ladies and gentlemen: that’s called FORESHADOWING. But, being well-versed in stifling and squelching my intuition (already believing myself to be without worth/deserving of every shit sandwich I’d ever been served), I kept my head down for fifteen years and ate shit sandwich after shit sandwich, until my belly could not hold another bite.

I allowed their greed and evil to wound me so viscerally that I could NOT will myself to renew my license last year. I saw renewal as a gut-punch to the little girl inside me that had spent her whole life surviving the same darkness that ended up awaiting her in SNFs. She had waved the white towel and was desperate to be assured she’d never have to endure that pain again.

Then, I remembered the girl that worked herself to the bone to earn those two degrees and that license. The same drowning girl that had to take an incomplete in honors writing her sophomore year of college because she just could NOT, no matter how hard she tried, balance school, working to pay for school, and her mom’s seemingly-infinite medical appointments and radiation treatments in Fort Wayne (read: a commute that legit felt like driving off the face of the earth—and why I still hate the state of Indiana (well, that and Pence)). And I’m here to tell you, she TRIED.

Was I really going to let them take that from me? Worse yet, was I going to let them negate all the light work I had done for all of the vulnerable grams and gramps I so lovingly served?! Nah. I earned it, lived it, and survived it. It’s mine. I’m going to renew it. Not for work (although, I’m feeling froggy enough to do some OPP/accent reduction work like back in the day), but because it’s mine.

I’m manifesting a scholarship program for the healthcare workers that I’ve loved and fought in the shit with along the way—to give them a way out of the darkness. I want the business I own to be their refuge and give them a second chance to make money and be valued. And it won’t just be healthcare workers, it will be anyone hungry for love and light and a whole lotta worthiness (Misty).

Lastly, because my brain is lightning in a bottle and I’m ravenous for life, I’ve decided to start recording a podcast re: healing with my long-lost bestie Rachel. Based on the beautiful words of encouragement I’ve received from people I’ve known forever, and people I legit met just this week, I think people might be ready to listen 💕

Best,
Jena